Aging Gracefully, Living well

Yesterday, I got from the library a beautiful book Aging Gracefully, Portraits of People Over 100, by the German photographer/ writer Karsten Thormahaelen. The book contains 52 portraits of men and women who have already celebrated their 100th birthdays. On the pages facing their photographs, they tell us briefly what makes them tick. The author had a wonderful relationship with his grandparents when he was growing up and his passion is taking photographs of old people. He has traveled all over the world to bring us these portraits. And what portraits! Just looking at them makes us feel good. Most of these centenarians are smiling and happy; their faces exude a quiet strength and contentment. They are from all over the world (France, Germany, The Netherlands, Norway, Iceland, Italy, the United States, Peru) but many are from two places known for the longevity of their inhabitants: Vilcabamba( Ecuador) and Okinawa ( Japan).

After enjoying the photographs, I tried to mine the capsule biographies for clues to the longevity of these people. What was it that enabled them to live long and, more importantly, to remain engaged and happy? At first they did not seem to have much in common. For instance, many of them had long and happy marriages but then there was Henriette Cathala, a Parisienne and former hotel staff manager. She had never been married and is happy with her lot. “No husband, no children, no problems”, she says with a smile. Sometimes, people contradicted themselves. One, a Dutchman, advised “Go to bed early, don’t smoke and don’t drink – although you can make an exception now and then for a whisky, And for gin, too.” That hardly makes him an advocate for abstinence.

Surprisingly, only a few mentioned prayer and of the five who did, two were priests.

These are the things I did find that many of them shared.

1. Many of them were born poor and had led very difficult lives. Several had begun to lose their faculties. Some were suffering loss of hearing, one had lost the use of her legs and another was blind. Yet all of them accepted their lot and retained their positive attitude. They did not let their handicaps cramp their style but worked around them.
2. They were still independent to a surprising degree. They lived by themselves, cooked and cared for themselves with only occasional help from the family or from caregivers. Many of those from Okinawa and Ecuador grew their own vegetables in little family plots.
3. Many stressed the importance of walking or otherwise being active. One Norwegian described how he takes short walks every two hours throughout the day.
4. Many had hobbies or interests which they enjoyed. Common hobbies were music, singing, working out, reading, knitting, gardening and watching TV. One man from Los Angeles took up metal sculpting late in life and had his first exhibition at the age of 100!
5. They were very social and maintained close relationships with family, friends and neighbors. A lady from Okinawa said that it was important not to stay at home but to do things with others.
6. They were moderate in their habits.” Never go to extremes “as one put it.
7. Lastly and most importantly, was maintaining a positive attitude, avoiding stress and trying to do good. This was expressed by several people in different ways. “Enjoy, be happy, laugh”. “Give love to others. Be noble”. “Live and work in harmony with yourself and others’.

Perhaps the attitude of these centenarians is best exemplified by Edward Palkot of Long Island who still plays golf at age 102, lives on his own, tends his garden, eats out frequently, reads, does crossword puzzles, chats with the neighbors and loves doing the polka.

I admire the vigor and zest for life that these elders have but what I appreciate even more is the serenity and sense of fulfillment they possess. One gentleman from Okinawa, who is very much at peace with himself and his life, says that if he ever met a kind hearted fairy, he wouldn’t know what he could possibly ask  for.” I really have everything I need.”

What a wonderful thing to be able to say.

 

 

 

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Another Fantastic Super Bowl !

What a fantastic game it was yesterday ! Last year, when the Patriots won after trailing by 25 points in the second half, I didn’t think there could be a more exciting game. I was wrong and how! Last year’s game was one-sided for more than a half ; this year, there was tension throughout. The Patriots and the Eagles traded scores before New England nosed ahead only to see the Eagles grab the lead and strip -sack Brady to put the game almost out of reach. With just over a minute remaining, it would have taken a miracle ( a TD and a two point conversion) for the Pats to pull it out but Brady’s Hail Mary fell short.

In the past, I’ve gone along with those who think a defensive struggle ending in a tight 9-7 or 10-9 finish as the ideal game. I’ve changed my mind. Yesterday’s game showed that a high scoring game can be just as enjoyable, if not more so. If the game is close throughout, and if the lead changes hands once or more, a high scoring game is more exciting to me.

Yesterday, there were Super Bowl records set for most yards gained and most points scored. What is one to make of this? Some sports scribes label this a failure of the defenses.  I can’t agree. The Eagles pass rush was fierce throughout and, if they sacked Brady only once, I credit Brady for his coolness and poise under fire. Many times he only just escaped the pass rushers to throw strikes to his receivers. Foles too was equally impressive. Thus, I wouldn’t fault the defenses on either team; it’s just that the offenses were outstanding.

So was the play calling. After the first quarter, almost every time the Patriots had the ball they looked likely to score and often did. I’m not sure whether to give all the credit to Josh McDaniels, the offensive coordinator ( or reserve some for Belichick) but as, the game wore on, it seemed like the Pats were one step ahead of the Eagles defense. One has  come to expect that from Bill Belichick led teams but, yesterday, Doug Pedersen, the Eagles head coach, was just as brilliant. His play-calling was innovative and daring, never more so than on the two fourth down plays both of which the Eagles came through, once for a TD.

One topic that will be the subject of much discussion is Bill Belichick’s decision not to start Malcolm Butler, the cornerback who became a Super Bowl star when the intercepted Seattle QB Rick Wilson on the goal line and preserved a Patriots victory. Belichick is, of course, mum on his reasons for doing so. One school of thought is that Butler was benched in favor of Eric Rowan because the latter being taller would be more effective against the Eagles athletic receivers. Considering that Rowan was repeatedly torched by the Eagle wide-outs, it boggles the mind that Belichick did not relent and re-insert Butler.. if indeed the reason for the original decision was as surmised above. Belichick is always pragmatic and you’d think he would not let his stubbornness get in the way of what was best for the team. Another ( rumor?) is that Butler was benched for disciplinary reasons. What the truth is we may never know. In any case, Butler will soon be an unrestricted free agent and has probably played his last game for the Patriots.

I had been rooting for the Eagles to win, though I had no real hope that they would do so. Even though I consider Brady as perhaps the best QB ever and Bill Belichick unquestionably the greatest coach and judge of talent in the NFL, I was tired of seeing the Patriots win. Furthermore Brady,  though he says and does all the right things, strikes me as being arrogant. Thus I was very happy when the Eagles pulled off an upset yesterday even though I’m not an Eagles fan. Nick Foles has had an up-and-down career and I was glad for him and for the Eagles as they won their first Super Bowl rings ever.

For a variety of reasons, chief among them the fact that my team (the N. Y. Giants) was dismal this season, I’d not really followed the NFL this season. Yesterday’s game was only the second I’d seen all season long, the first being the Patriots- Jacksonville thriller two weeks ago. Hearing about the Eagles roster, how they are loaded with talent and will be a force for years to come, makes me apprehensive for the Giants future. With an aging QB in Eli Manning and with gaping holes at a number of positions, the Giants are in for a long re-building phase. Since I’m not a fair weather fan, I won’t abandon the Giants but it looks like rough seas ahead. But all that is in the future. For now, congratulations to the Philadelphia Eagles for a game well played and a tremendous victory.

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No Vegetables For You ?

I was in the checkout lane at the local supermarket and the cashier was ringing up my purchases when she hit a snag. One item had her stymied . She held it up and asked the girl at the next lane,” Do you know what this is?” The other girl knew the answer.

“THIS” was a cauliflower.

This was many years ago. It would not happen today, mostly because every item has a bar code that can be scanned. Cashiers don’t need to know what the items they are checking out are. Otherwise … who knows?

At the time this incident happened, I remember being astounded. How could she not know what a cauliflower was? Then I realized it was not surprising when you consider how few vegetables most Americans eat. Even today, the American diet is heavily meat-centric. When I’ve been invited to dinner at the homes of my friends, the meal has consisted of a salad followed by roast chicken or steak accompanied by potatoes( boiled, mashed or French Fries) and a vegetable.  “Vegetable” usually means carrots, green beans or green peas. This I believe is the standard fare in most American homes. BTW, this comment does not apply to families living in the big metropolitan centers and to first generation immigrants ( particularly Asians) who still eat the cuisine of their native countries. I know this is true when I look at the laden shopping carts of fellow shoppers in the supermarket: Meat, frozen entrees and pizzas, pasta, tomato products, very few vegetables, bags of chopped salad, cereals, eggs, desserts and soda. Though, nowadays the soda has been replaced by bottled water. When I took my friend to an Indian supermarket he was amazed at the number of vegetables on offer, many of which he had never seen and did not know the names of.

Why is this so? Why is the American diet so meat oriented? I don’t know the answer but I have observed this fascination with meat in other countries too. When we were in the Dominican Republic, some years ago, I went to a local restaurant to see what the local food was like. There on a steam table were mostly meat dishes, the only difference with high end hotels being that they were stews and casseroles made with inferior cuts of meat, what we would call ” organ meats” or ” offal”. Vegetables( except for potatoes, onions, tomatoes and carrots) were conspicuously absent and I later found out that vegetables were in short supply and relatively expensive.

Even among the poor, there is a hankering to eat more meat. I remember reading about a riot in Egypt where the rioters marched on the luxury hotels in Cairo shouting slogans, among them ” We eat bread while they eat meat!”

Many of us seem to make a connection between meat eating and upward mobility. In Shanghai, we were dining in a half empty restaurant on some the best Chinese food I’ve ever eaten. Next door was a jam packed McDonalds with a line of customers snaking out the door. Our guide remarked sadly that Chinese never had a problem with obesity until the American fast food chains came to China.” Now”, she said ” kids want to eat hamburgers and fried chicken all the time. They don’t want to eat Chinese food anymore”. The results were not difficult to see. Shortly thereafter, I was looking at the Guinness Book of World Records and noticed that the world record for heaviest child was held by a Chinese boy of 14 who weighed in excess of 350 pounds( I can’t remember the exact figure). I also saw the record for the maximum weight loss was also held by another Chinese boy.

And yet, all this meat eating is not good for the body. My wife had been to a talk by a nutritionist at the public library. After talking about the desirability of a balanced diet with plenty of fiber and lots of grains and vegetables, he mentioned how they aid digestion and bowel movements. Going to the toilet at least once a day was a must, he declare; otherwise retaining this waste in the body for longer periods could lead to illnesses such as colon cancer, besides being highly uncomfortable. One lady in the audience was amazed. ” But I go only once a week !” she said. I don’t know what else was said in response but I can’t help thinking she must have been perennially constipated. What a horrible condition to be in. If I miss going even for a day, I feel terrible and I know I’m difficult to live with. To be in such a condition for a week, week in and week out, boggles the mind. No wonder I see so many TV ads for extra strong laxatives and stool softeners.

I want to make it clear that I am not a vegetarian. I do eat meat, all kinds of meat ( beef, pork, chicken, fish), though in much smaller quantities. I do not eat it at every meal though I have some protein every day. When I eat meat, it is the supporting, rather than the main, component of the meal. While I occasionally will have a steak or roast chicken, most of the time I eat meat in the form of curries, casseroles, stews or chili. And , of course, plenty of vegetables, sprouted grains and legumes. To my mind, the Japanese and the Chinese have the ideal diets; small quantities of meat or fish in almost every dish and plenty of vegetables, often raw or par-cooked. Perhaps a strict vegetarian diet is best, as some diet gurus aver, but it is not for me. I like the taste of meat and to satisfy my  body’s protein needs entirely from vegetarian sources would be difficult and too much of an effort.

 

 

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Winter Sun

In all of December 2017, Moscow received exactly six minutes of sunlight. Six minutes…. over thirty-one days!! The rest of the time it was cloudy and overcast. Not that last December was much worse than usual. The average amount of sunlight that Muscovites enjoyed in other Decembers was eighteen minutes. Still pitiful.

The lack of sunlight, the early darkness and the longer nights are the things that bother me most about winter. The cold and the snow of a New Jersey winter I can handle particularly since I don’t have to worry about shoveling the driveway ( taken care as part of the maintenance package in our development) or going to work ( I’m retired). What’s also good is that, in New Jersey, there are usually aren’t periods of sustained cold and that, even when it is cold, the sun is out almost every day. We count sunlight hours , not minutes… unlike Moscow. And what a difference it makes. True, the sunlight is weak. It doesn’t matter. Just the fact that the sun is shining is enough; that we can see it provides a lift to the spirit. We had some days last week when the temperature was in the teens ( 14 deg. F = minus 8C) but this week it is in the mid-forties ( about 7 deg. C). It’s a big difference and one almost feels warm today.

And winter has its compensations. It snowed last week  (about 4 inches) and, because it was below freezing, the snow froze and clung to the tree branches like icicles. I was driving to the supermarket and it was a fairytale setting with the snow covered fields and the ice clad trees. By today, all the snow had melted and one was left with the stark beauty of barren fields and leafless trees. There was also the knowledge that this is a passing phase. February is usually the coldest, snowiest month but then there is the promise of spring . Winter just makes us appreciate it more.

San Diego is said to have the perfect weather.. sunny all year around with the temperature never far from 70degrees F.  I admit that it sometimes sounds attractive but then I think it would soon become boring. ( Another perfect day… Ho hum). Give me New Jersey and the change of seasons any day.

 

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Does Your Doctor’s Age Really Matter?

The New York Times recently had an interesting article “Does Your Doctor’s Age Matter?” It was authored by Dr. Haider Javed Warraich, a 29 year old Fellow in Cardiovascular medicine at Duke University Medical Center. In the article, Dr. Warraich states that, when it comes to choosing a doctor, patients place a premium on age because they equate age with experience. Dr. Warraich argues that “In medicine, a lack of experience may actually not be a bad thing” and to support his opinion he cites a Harvard research study which says that patients treated by younger doctors are less likely to die. The study concluded that younger doctors are less likely to 1) order unnecessary tests 2) to face disciplinary action and 3) be cited for improper prescription of opoid painkillers and controlled substances. It also found a positive correlation between lack of experience and better quality of medical care. Younger doctors were found to be more likely to use innovative practices, learn new procedures and be free of relics of the past.

Now, I have the highest respect for Harvard University but I find it difficult to accept these findings. For one thing, I have no idea how pronounced the results were in favor of younger doctors. How strong was the correlation between lack of experience and better medical care? Furthermore, some of the conclusions seem contrary to what common sense tells me. It seems to me that younger doctors, because of their inexperience, would be less confident and thus likely to order more tests rather than less.

I prefer to trust my own experience with doctors even though it is anecdotal.

To begin with, let’s agree that age and competence are not mutually exclusive. There are some good young doctors, some bad ones and many in-between. There are also some good old doctors, some bad ones and many in-between. I would not choose a doctor solely based on age. If a good friend strongly recommended a doctor (and if that doctor accepted my medical insurance), I would want to be his patient regardless of his age. I will admit that if a doctor was very youthful, I would be a little uneasy about his skills and I would definitely be uncomfortable dealing with him because of the generation gap. Contrary to the Harvard study, which said that younger doctors are “more likely to place the patient on a pedestal than themselves”, I have found younger MDs to be brash and less respectful. Sometimes, I also feel they are less interested in older patients, an unspoken vibe that “You have had your innings already.”

The one thing that I will agree with is that younger doctors are likely to be more innovative and open to new procedures and techniques. I remember that when my wife was considering a knee replacement we were very impressed by a local surgeon who had performed thousands of such operations and received the highest accolades from his patients. Then, a close friend told us of her experience with a surgeon in his forties who used new techniques that resulted in less invasive procedures, smaller incisions and a much reduced rehabilitation period. My wife doesn’t need the surgery anymore but, if she did, I know which one she would prefer.

On the other hand, medicine is not only a science but an art. Med school is only the beginning of a doctor’s education. The greater part of his education occurs later as he hones his skills on real world patients, real life situations. I remember a doctor who used to practice in Rahway. He was not impressive in his appearance or manner but his diagnostic skills were phenomenal. He was able to accurately diagnose what was wrong merely by listening to a patient’s description of symptoms and by asking the right questions. His patients loved him and valued him highly. His office receptionist once said to me, “If I ever fell ill, there is no one I’d rather have as a doctor than Dr. M.”

Insofar as choosing a doctor for myself is concerned, I would opt for the one who was strongly recommended, regardless of his or her age. Wherever possible though, I’d choose one who was in his or her fifties or younger but that is for a practical reason. I want a doctor who is not close to retirement age, one whom I can rely on for the next several years.

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Handwriting

I miss writing. Not writing per se, but writing by hand … the act of putting pen to paper which today is obsolescent and fast becoming obsolete.

Don’t get me wrong. I fully appreciate the convenience of typing rather than writing things out longhand with pen or pencil. I am old enough to remember the days before word processors when office memos had to be typed out by secretaries. I marvel that they were able to reach speeds of 35 -40 words per minute with few, if any, mistakes. I also remember how difficult it was to white -out the occasional error .

When computers became common I was initially resistant to using them because I’d never learnt typing. I quickly changed because it was so much easier to compose my memos and articles. With computers, it is so easy to change words here and there, to shift sentences and paragraphs, to edit and revise. It would probably take me four or five times as long to write this piece if I had to write it out in pen or pencil. Not for me, the old way of doing things.

And yet…

I miss the physical act of writing and all the steps it entails.  Sharpening pencils. Getting out the writing paper, the eraser.  Sitting at the table staring at the blank page can sometimes be frightening but, oh, the pleasure of  getting the words down on the pristine unlined paper. Rounding the g’s, crossing the t’s, dotting at the i’s… it’s beautiful, it’s satisfying, it’s personal, it’s sensual. When I look at the completed page, I feel a sense of accomplishment. This is MINE. I don’t feel nearly the same pleasure as when I look at my type written work. Yes, it’s neat, it’s compact, there are no spelling mistakes thanks to Spellcheck but.. it is almost too easy.

Writing is also a link to the past, to others. I still have some few recipes in my mother’s handwriting, some letters that my father wrote. When I look at them, I can see them, my parents that is, as clearly as if I were looking at a photo. They have been gone many years now but I can clearly see their handwriting in my mind’s eye. I can’t say the same about my children’s handwriting. They do most of their writing on the computer and, except for their scrawled signatures, what their handwriting looks like.

Precisely because a word-processor is so easy to use we have seen a decline in writing skills, a carelessness in the way we communicate, a creeping disregard for the beauty of language.  Most people are just concerned with just getting the task of writing over with. They see no reason to be exact, no need to learn correct spelling . After all, that’s what Spellcheck is for, isn’t it? In much the same way that calculators have led to a loss if our mathematical ability, computers have caused a decline in our language skills.

When I started to write this piece, I was thinking primarily of the lost pleasures of writing by hand. I accept that typing on our computers is the way to go but I find opportunities to write in pen or pencil. For instance, at the discourses  we attend on Saturdays, I make copious notes. So do many other attendees but, even here there are some who can be seen tapping away on their I-phones. You’ll never see me doing that. Never.

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The Reason We Amass Things?

The director Judd Apatow once bought a home gym. After using it three or four times, he stopped lifting weights and the gym fell into disuse. He didn’t get rid of it, however. It still sits in a corner of his office where it functions as a storage room cum clothes hanger. Apatow tells himself that it could be used one day. As he puts it “ … anything’s possible. All hoarding is hope. You think ” I can’t die because I have to watch that stack of DVDs! Makes you feel immortal, having too much stuff.”

Really? For a moment I thought that Apatow might have hit upon something. But , upon further consideration, my reaction is ” Nah!”

I have a friend who has 5,000 records and CDs. He is retired now and is busy cataloging his collection and , of course, listening to his favorite songs over and over again. Another friend is at once a bibliophile, a film buff  and a music lover. In his house he has a large loft, three walls of which have shelves containing his collection of books ( many of them autographed by the authors) and CDs and DVDs. He admitted to me that there is no way he could possibly read, listen or view his entire collection. Once in a while ,he may dip into this or that but his chief pleasure is in owning that collection and knowing that he can access it whenever he wants. I myself had a large collection of books ( particularly cookbooks) before I gave half of it away to an acquaintance. What remains is still sizeable and I have no illusions that I will read all those books again or cook one tenth, one-hundredth of those recipes. I like having those things around because of the pleasure of possession.

A good friend of mine put it perfectly. He said” I have boxes and boxes of stuff, most of which means something only to me. These things are not valuable but I will never get rid of them. One day, when I am gone, my son and daughter will go through the things in my garage , then call the junk man and have them hauled away. That’s OK but, as along as I’m around, I want them.”

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Passionate Sports Fans

Some years ago, when we were in Siena, Italy our guide told us about pro basketball as it is played in Italy. He described a match between Bologna and Siena played on the latter’s home court before 6,000 frenzied fans. Before spectators could enter the arena, they were searched for concealed weapons. Just before the game started, five busloads of Bolognese fans were escorted into the stadium by policemen in riot gear. They took their places in the visitors section – a virtual cage surrounded by metal bars. This was for their own protection as soon  became apparent. When the home team took the court, the visiting fans played drums and trumpets , then turned around as one, dropped their trousers and mooned the home fans. This resulted in an outpouring of rage as Sienese fans stormed the cage , throwing missiles, cursing and spitting through the bars of the cage. This set the tone for the rest of the proceedings which featured rude chants, constant drumming, taunting and frequent stoppages of play due to court invasions. When the visiting team won the game on a last second three pointer, there was a full scale riot during which the police were overwhelmed and dozens of fans wound up in hospital. I wish I could give you more details of the game but will not do so because I cannot do so without bursting into gales of laughter. It really was too funny though not to the participants. For them , these basketball games are deadly serious: a re-enactment of past struggles when city states were bitter enemies that fought constant wars over territory.

In comparison, American sports fans are well mannered and civilized. But, only in comparison. There are certain rivalries in American sports which generate the worst in people. One of them is that between the New York Yankees and the Boston Red Sox, two baseball teams many of whose fans hate each other with a passion. In the Bronx, there are certain bars which are for Yankee fans, others which cater to Red Sox fans. Woe betide the unwary fan who strays into the wrong bar. I remember reading about a fan wearing a Red Sox  journey who was walking home from a game at Yankee Stadium. As the fan passed a ” Yankee” bar, another fan came out and challenged the former to a fistfight. What blew my mind was that both fans- the Red Sox fan and the Yankee fan- were women ! Yes, women fans can be passionate too.

Too my mind, football and ice hockey attract the most aggressive fans because of the nature of the games and because more drinking goes on during these contests. My acquaintance Steve told me about a game between the Philadelphia Eagles and the Detroit Lions that he attended in Philadelphia. He was not a particular fan of either team but when a Lions receiver made a spectacular catch he applauded . At the time the Eagles were leading 38-9 and the game was not in doubt. However, an Eagles fan took umbrage and started directing obscene comments and threats at Steve. Steve took it quietly for some time but it finally got to be too much. He was there with his young son and did not want to give him the impression that he was a wimp. When the Eagles fan went too far, Steve got up and challenged him to a fight. Luckily, cooler heads prevailed and the other guy backed down. This is not to criticize Eagles fans; Giants fans, Jets fans are just as bad.

There was a time when visiting fans clad in their team’s colors could sit anywhere in the stadium, in the midst of home fans. They would have no fears for their safety. Both sets of fans would watch the game without fear of violence. This is still mostly the case but increasingly I read of altercations between fans of opposing teams. This is a pity because I fear such people are missing out on the real beauty of the contest they are watching. They may call themselves sports fans but what they really are fans of a particular team, not of sport.

My friend Arnie used to support all the New York teams at a time when none of them was doing well. Towards the end of the basketball season, as soon as the Knicks were mathematically eliminated from the playoffs, he would say ” OK. Game over. Time for hockey.” He would stop following basketball and switch to reading about hockey.A month later, the scenario would be repeated . ” Time for baseball”. And so on. It’s OK to root for a team but when you identify so closely with its successes and failures, you open yourself to disappointment.

 

 

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Tips, Service Charges & All inclusive

Tipping or service charges are so much a part of eating out in America that it is strange to be in an environment where tipping is not the norm. Five years ago, on a trip to Tokyo, we were taken aback to find that tips were not expected, where they were politely returned to us. We learned quickly and did not repeat our mistake. It was a practice that I wish existed elsewhere.

Though I always add tips when paying restaurant tabs, it is something that leaves me feeling either foolish or parsimonious. Did I tip too little or too much? Sometimes, I am not sure. Years ago, 15% was the standard tip, then it became 18%. Now , we are told it should be 20%, even 25% for exceptional service. Why? Why do these standards keep changing, always going up? Also, initially, the percentage was supposed to be calculated on the food and beverage cost; then it switched to a percentage of the entire bill, including tax. Finally, with the hefty markup on wines and drinks, the expected tip increases out of all proportion to the service being provided.

Tips were supposed to be optional, not mandatory. Now, they are expected as a right. They are even suggested and encouraged where they should not be. At the coffee shop where I pick up a bagel and coffee, there is a tip jar on the counter. What exactly is the tip for in this instance? For ringing up my order and handing it to me? I don’t buy it.

Service charges are not the answer. They merely mean a mandatory tip, whether the service is good or not and just take the guesswork out of figuring out what is appropriate. Besides, one has way of knowing how much of the service charge actually goes to the wait-staff and how much is skimmed off by the management, something I suspect happens a lot.

By not including the service in the basic cost of the meal, restaurants are doing what the airlines do. Keeping the stated price low and then socking customers with extras. Airlines do it to hide the true cost of a flight; restaurant owners do it to pass on the cost to diners and to avoid paying employees a living wage.

I’m glad therefore glad to read that some restaurants ( many of them owned by Danny Meyer) in New York City have abolished the practice of tipping. The prices listed on the menu ( plus tax) are the total cost of the meal. No hidden charges. This way, I can look at the prices on the online menu and decide whether a particular restaurant is worthwhile or whether it is too rich for my blood.

P.S The above might make me seem a curmudgeon but I don’t think I am. I am careful to tip ( and quite generously too) at ordinary restaurants. At low end restaurants, I tip more because I know the servers don’t make much. What gets my goat is the outsize charge for service at the upper end restaurants that I occasionally eat at.

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Starting a Movie Viewing Club

For many years now, I have been talking about starting a Conversation Club. Generally,  at parties, the men and women form two separate groups and converse on the same old topics. The men talk politics, sport and money; the women about families, children and fashions. It’s all very predictable and boring, particularly the political discussions which never lead to anything ; nothing is going to be solved by us armchair experts but still we plow on.

I had read about The Socrates Club,  impromptu gatherings in public places, open to anyone who wishes to attend, at which attendees explore a topic announced shortly in advance. By exchanging views and asking questions, people from different backgrounds learn more about the subject and become more tolerant of each other’s views. There are now more than 600 such clubs all over the world. Sample topics: ” What is good art?” and  ” What does love of country mean?”

My idea for the Conversation Club was slightly different because my objective was different. The topics discussed at the Socrates Cafes, interesting though they were, appeared to me to be too highbrow for my friends’ tastes. Neither did I feel qualified to lead the discussions on such subjects.  I wanted to have a small group of friends meet regularly and discuss topics from our everyday lives, the idea being to cement our friendships by knowing more about each other, our likes and dislikes, our experiences. Sample topics: ” How do you feel about New York City? Do you go there often, seldom or not at all?” and ” Is winter just another season to be enjoyed or does the cold weather depress you? What do you do to avoid the winter blues?” or ” Hamburgers or Hot Dogs? Which do you prefer and why?” Follow-up questions would enable a thorough exploration of the subject and a better understanding of ourselves and each other.

I never did start a Conversation Club but I have used the approach in putting together a column, ” Your Turn”, that is published in the monthly newsletter of our Active Adult community. Each month I ask five different members of our community a question,( like the ones above) and add my own thoughts  to theirs. I started out interviewing my friends and neighbors, then the acquaintances from the different groups I am a part of and have now progressed to buttonholing people I meet in the clubhouse or on my walks. The answers are always interesting and sometimes surprising . It has also made me some new friends.

I am now thinking of starting — I will be starting – – a Movie Viewing club. The idea came to me after the Sunday Afternoon Cinema Screening of ” Monsoon Wedding” for which I was the moderator. ( See last post). Watching the movie in a group and discussing our reactions to it was not only a highly enjoyable experience but it created bonds between those who participated in the experience. I want to do it on a smaller scale at home. My idea: Invite two couples and show a video either borrowed from the library or from Netflix streaming services and then discuss it in a relaxed home setting fueled by coffee and snacks. Of course, the movie must be a meaningful one, perhaps ” Queen Of Katwe’, a Mira Nair film about a 12 year old girl from the slums of Uganda who becomes a chess prodigy and transforms her life. There are several talking points about the movie which would make for an interesting discussion. Now, I have to find out who among my friends and acquaintances, would like such a movie and be prepared to discuss it. Since I want to keep the viewing audience small, I want to take my time and be very selective in who I invite. It should be fun.

 

 

 

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